The Doctor Who Cried Wolf
by TechnoScribe
Summary: How much of a hypochondriac is Rodney? inspired by a forum debate I once read about whether or not Rodney was really hypoglycaemic.


"This is a disaster!" McKay's voice shattered the stillness of the woodland with all the grace of a sledge-hammer. At least, John supposed it would be a still woodland if McKay ever shut up.

The irate physicist had been making his displeasure known thusly for the past two hours, straight, non-stop. John was used to it by now, but a vein was starting to protrude worryingly from Carson's forehead and Ronon kept glancing at it and backing inching further away from Carson as the vein grew.

McKay seemed oblivious, "We're going to starve! I mean! We need food! CARSON! TELL him WE. NEED. FOOD!" McKay punctuated his words without missing a step as he followed the team through the forest.

That did it. Carson snapped and turned on McKay. Ronon looked at Sheppard from the distance he'd managed to accrue from the two as if to say,_ 'Don't look at me cause you know I'm not going any closer.' _This is your job Mr.Team.Leader.' Ronon then actually smiled in bemusement. Traitor.

"Oh for cryin' out loud man! Ye are not going to bloody starve. It's only eight hours to the gate an it takes more an that. I would think that after the mis'ry ye just witnessed back there ye'd complain a bit less a'bout missin' a meal or two!" The brogue accent was thick.

The physicist seemed at a loss for words for all of... well… less than a second. "I get hypo-glycemic like tha..", he made to snap his fingers but Carson cut him off.

"Like bloody hell you do! The only hypo you have is hypochondia! Yer a hypochondriac Rodney! There's nuthin more to it!" Carson looked abashed at his outburst as soon as the words left his mouth, though no less irritated at Rodney for being the cause of his break.

Rodney scowled at him, "Oh really? Did you divine that little fortune from your tea leaves or did you have to dance around goat entrails?"

Ronon lifted his eyebrows and looked at Teyla before they both looked expectantly at Sheppard. John looked to the sky as though to beg some unseen higher entity for super-human patience before striding back to the two Doctors. "Rodney." he inserted and edge of warning into his voice.

"What?! Me?!? What about him!?" Rodney pointed at Carson with childish indignation. "HE started it."

John gave Rodney a patented parental I'm not buying it' look, then realized what he was doing and shook it away in irritation, "Rodney!".

"Oh alright!" Rodney barked and sulked at once, "I'll be quiet! But I still say we should collect some nuts or berries or… something!"

John glared at him.

"Shutting up," Rodney sighed and backed down.

John looked at him for a few more beats to confirm that the McKay tirade had in fact subsided before turning to continue their journey.

One minute... Two minutes... Three. Four.

"Hey, I wonder if any of these plants are poisonous, y'know, like poison ivy, to the touch. We brought ointment, right? And what about allergies? Is anyone elses throat getting a little scratchy? Carson, what are..."

John scanned the surrounding wood as he walked and let the familiar rambling wash over him. He'd gotten so used to it, it was actually kind of soothing to him. It let him know that his scientist was there with them and safe at all times. Like the steady beat of a heart monitor. Or maybe more like a really loud cow-bell.

From the moment he'd handed their entire food supply over to some natives John had known it would not be a quiet trip home, to say the least.

Beckett and Teyla had wanted to come to the planet to pick some medicinal herbs used by the Athosian's. Carson had been curious to see them in their natural form and view their processing. So, Teyla being Teyla, she'd invited him to take part in the entire process. And, Rodney being Rodney, the team physicist had picked up some "interesting energy reading over this way" ... which had lead them to a camouflaged ancient ruin – which transported them across the whole valley to a temple of some sort in the middle of a village.

Long story short, the temple people worshipped their ancient technology and preferred bowing to the sparkly lights to the profanity' of trying to use it. They didn't take too kindly to Rodney trying to explain how it worked.

They got kicked out of the temple and into the village. It turned out that it wasn't so much a village as a slum. The temple took more than its fair share of crops.

Which leads to why they got mugged. John was ready to let Ronon loose on them until Teyla realized that they weren't interested

in any of his teams guns or other technology. John wasn't going to shoot them for taking food- even though it was all of their food, and even though it meant listening to Rodney rant all the way home.

An eight hour hike on an almost empty tank would be unpleasant, but not fatal. They'd had a good breakfast back in Atlantic.

Too bad they couldn't get back into the Temple so Rodney could just transport them back to where they started.

Still, sunny skies, no predators. Things could be worse.

John was broken from his thoughts by a Rodneyesque yelp and he instinctively raised is weapon at ready and spun on his heel.

"Ah! Tripped! Splinter, ow ow ow, Carson!"

Things could be worse, John reminded himself while Carson examined Rodney's hand.

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_Eight hours, eight hours. You can do this!' _Rodney repeated to himself in his mind while he rambled about anything and everything he could think of to pass the time._ Just don't think about it and time will fly.'_ But it had already been three and a half hours since breakfast and hunger gnawed at him. Plus eight hours to even get back to the gate, that makes eleven and a half hours without food and just thinking about it made the gnawing more persistent. He couldn't believe those villagers had searched all his pockets. That was just…just… INVASIVE!

Now he felt anxious, tired, hungry, and this just sucked. Gotta stop thinking about food. Hey! Maybe Carson and Shepherd would like to pass the time with a game of Prime/Not Prime! He suggested as much.

"No!" They both barked in unison. _Well fine then! Sorry I asked! _

Rodney tried mentally reviewing some new coding he'd been contemplating for the Atlantis interface, but unsurprisingly soon found that he couldn't concentrate and was even forgetting vital lines. It was frustrating and frightening. A sense of uselessness crept into him. _What good am I if I can't think. It's all I'm good for'._ It didn't seem to matter that he was usually the best in the galaxy. It was getting harder to think beyond right now.

He stumbled again but caught himself. Right, time to concentrate! Pay attention to where you're going and don't hold everyone back! - Right, left, right, left, right, left...

"Rodney?" Rodney looked up to find John had stopped walking and was looking at him.

"What?" the reply was bland but Rodney didn't have the energy to respond any more exuberantly.

"You stopped talking," John said it as though Rodney not talking was something akin to pigs flying. It was just wrong.

"I'm tired," Rodney stated simply. He didn't feel like expounding. Besides, they'd probably just get angry at him again.

John nodded, "We'll take a break soon," and smiled reassuringly before turning and continuing toward the gate.

Rodney grunted and followed.

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John looked over his shoulder to see Rodney still staring at the ground in concentration. Not having that cowbell clanging behind him was damned un-nerving. And he couldn't help but notice that Carson was now hovering within arms reach of Rodney, despite his convictions that Rodney was a perfectly healthy hypochondriac. The scientist definitely looked more tired than he should. He had been getting in pretty good shape. Sure McKay couldn't quite keep up with John and the others yet, but he could normally hold his own.

True to his word John stopped them at the first clearing they came too. It even had some nice rocks to sit on. McKay headed straight for two rocks that rested next each other in a chair-like way and sat heavily. With his back resting against the larger of the two rocks he closed his eyes.

Becket looked pretty grateful to be off his feet too. Teyla and Ronon took up positions to guard their position, neither of them looked even a little winded.

John crouched next to Carson and whispered as low as he could and still be heard by the physician, "You sure it's all in his head?"

Carson cast a worried glance in Rodney's direction and shrugged helplessly, "It's hard to say. It's not uncommon for those with hypochondria to display convincing symptoms. And the higher the IQ, the more convincing the symptoms."

At the look of annoyance crossing Johns face Carson hastened to add, "But it's nae intentional! I'm sure it's real to him. Blimey, I shouldn't have yelled at him like I did."

"Hasn't he ever been tested?" John asked.

Carson looked affronted, "Of course he has! But these tests depend on a lot of factors, one of which is a blood sample taken when he's not eaten for some time. When have you ever known Rodney to not eat? If he can get to the infirmary he can get to a power-bar and ye can bet he grabs for the power bar first! And he's got none of the underlying illnesses associated with hypoglycaemia. The man's healthy as a horse!" Still, the physician couldn't seem to say two words without glancing in Rodney's direction.

"But?" John prompted.

Carson grumbled something distinctly Scottish and incomprehensible to John, "But we'll know for certain when we get him back to Atlantis and get a blood sample, before he eats anything. There just isn't anything else we can do for him until then."

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They stopped twice more on the way back to the gate. Teyla, Carson, and Sheppard would take turns trying to cajole Rodney into being more talkative. Rodney would seem to try for a bit then claim he was trying to work on some complex algorithms and needed to be allowed to concentrate.

John even tried Prime/Not Prime but Rodney was slow with the answers. Well, slow for Rodney. McKay soon became frustrated. So they walked in silence. From the determined set of his face, the physicist seemed to be putting all his concentration into just moving at a steady pace.

It was when he'd start to pale that Carson loudly proclaim that his own legs were killing him and he needed to catch his breath. "I'm sorry Colonel but I'm not used to this sort of exercise. I'm making a medical call. We're stopping and resting here." It was his way of saving face for Rodney, to make amends for his earlier outburst.

When the gate finally came into view everyone sighed in relief - except for Rodney who simply ploughed onward at the same determined pace, as though stopping would mean that he wouldn't be able to start again.

Carson and John entered the gate on either side of Rodney, ready to make certain he didn't lunge for a power bar before Carson could get a clean blood test. The power bar turned out to not be an issue as the vertigo of gate travel proved too much for Rodney. They each caught and hooked an arm over their shoulders and carried Rodney down the platform.

Elizabeth and Radek jogged down the steps from the control level to meet them, "I've already called the infirmary, what happened?"

"It's a long story," John said in a tone that begged for it to wait until later, even as he and Carson turned toward the infirmary with Rodney.

Teyla appeared beside Dr.Weir, "I will explain."

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"Good Lord!" Exclaimed Carson as he looked over the results of Rodney's blood tests.

Rodney's team stood in unison at the worrying outcry, their expressions tense.

The tension grew when Carson just continued to stare at the read-out.

The possibilities ran through John's head. Virus? Mysterious radiation? Mutant bugs? Alien possession? "What?!" John finally asked out loud.

Carson's eyes were glazed with horror as he looked up from the results, "He'll bloody well never let me hear the end of it! That's what!" The Scott's voice rose in pitch as he spoke. "I need to sitdown before I give him the news," and with that Carson sat heavily in one of the recently vacated seats.

"Before you tell him what Dr. Beckett?" Teyla asked; her voice edged with sudden worry.

Carson looked up at her, dejectedly, "That he really is hypoglycaemic!"

Ronon folded his arms and glowered, "And?"

Carson just looked at him, at a loss.

It was Teyla who offered further explanation, "Ronon overheard you telling Colonel Sheppard that this would indicate an underlying illness".

Sheppard glanced appraisingly at Ronon, how good is his hearing, anyway?

Carson let out a calming breath and slipped into professional mode as he stood. "That is usually the case, yes, but not always. What Rodney has is called Reactive Hypoglycaemia. The cause is debated, but it's perfectly manageable. All he needs to do is eat often and healthy. I'm going to have to talk to him about his diet. He should be eating better than he is. But as ye know, he already keeps a power bar on him at all times. In the long run though, he'll be just fine. He's eaten now, and he's sleeping." The physicians brow furrowed and he looked in the general direction of his patient. "I'll tell him in the morning. Ye can visit him but try not to wake him."

Teyla and John sat quietly with Rodney. They glanced at one another with mild confusion when Ronon wordlessly left. He reappeared a short while later with an arm load of power bars. McKay's favourite flavours. John had a feeling that the next person who tried to take a power-bar off McKay was going to find themselves face to face with a very displeased Satedan. Teyla smiled and John nodded his approval.

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McKay rested comfortably in his usual infirmary bed and listened to Carson's explanation of Reactive Hypoglaecemia. Waiting until Carson started using the D' word to interrupt. The 'D' word being diet. "So." Rodney interjected, "You don't think I'm a hypochondriac?"

"No! I bloody well KNOW you're a hypochondriac." The Scottish accent thickened, "It just so happens you're also hypoglycaemic."


End file.
